Monday, September 5, 2011

Notes from the Big White Van

I drive a big, white van. It seats 12. It is the only thing out there that will fit all of us, short of the Partridge Family's colorful school bus. I am not a construction worker, electrician, plumber or the local airport's shuttle bus. So, please....I beg you, stop acting (or looking at me) as if I am. I've never picked up a saw, know little if anything about electricity other than where you plug in an appliance and can barely plunge a toilet. I swear. I do not know what the traffic is like out by the airport, nor do I know the gas prices "over there". Don't look at me funny when I say this to you. Should you be another extra large family that does not fit into any "normal" sized vehicles...then by all means wave at me, smile, or when stopped to get gas, let's discuss where to find the cheapest gas prices. If you are not....please leave me alone. It's kinda creepy.

My van is big. I do not deny that. However, I DO take my time parking--choosing the spot, parking straight and making sure people can get in their vehicles next to me and can back out if parked behind me, as well. If you should park your puny, ancient, little Honda Civic in a parking spot very crooked and over the white line on the right side, please do not scream obscenities about MY parking job. It was the only one left (trust me, I looked. AND one else wanted to park by you either, apparently). Also, please do not call out names such as gas guzzler, work van and over population in front of my kids. If you cannot get into the passenger seat of said is your fault and yours alone. Go back to driving school. Leave my kids out of it. Just sit down, shut up and drive off. Do the right thing. Otherwise, next time, I just might challenge you to parallel park an 18 wheeler and I think we both know who would win that one!

If you see me at Walmart with a bunch of kids and 2 grocery carts by my big white van, please do not ask me if I am feeding the homeless, having a party, or own a restaurant. Though I'd love to help the homeless, enjoy parties, and probably do kinda own a restaurant, I fail to see where any of this is your business. Can you not tell we are busy emptying carts, corralling kids and trying to get home before the milk sours and the Popsicles melt?

When I am parked next to you and you are returning to your vehicle in order to enter yours while we are exiting ours, please be kind and patient. We are not a "circus" bus, a basketball team, or a "herd". I am not a cow (though there might be days I'd bed to differ--that is for me to say, not you!) who is toting around her calves, nor am I a clown stuffing in little kids into our vehicle, and no, we are not a team of some sort....if you, however, should happen to be an agent, then please inform us of this promptly or else you just might catch me on the defensive. That should be taken as a warning.

And....last but not least, I do in fact drive the speed limit. And, yes, sometimes even a few miles over the speed limit. I realize that my big van might be blocking your view, but please do not zoom past me at 20 miles over the speed limit just to get in front of me and then slow down to 20 miles UNDER the speed limit. It is simply bad driving. Not courteous at all, not to mention unsafe. One day, I just might have to run you off the road.

Thank you for listening.....

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